LIVING LIFE IN THE FAST LANE

First, a report on my physical shape. I'm still plodding along with the health plan. I haven't done any damage to it, but I haven't been doing as much as I should, or could, to speed things up either. We've skipped the walk at the track for most of the past week because we've been up so late doing genealogy research. We've been bed slugs in the mornings, and I'm not proud of it. I really feel bad about that. Not bad enough to go to the track tomorrow morning, but bad, still. We'll get back in the groove Monday. I've promised myself that I will.

For the last few days I've been flipping through old magazines to see if there are any articles or pictures that I want to keep before tossing them. I came across something interesting in an AARP Magazine that I want to share with you. The title of the article is "Fast-track Flirting."

It seems that we are all too busy to court or woo a member of the opposite sex these days. We're in such a big hurry that we just can't take the time to slowly get to know one another. We have people to see and things to do. The days of leisurely wine and dine dates are over. To help us out, a new method of getting to know one another is sweeping the nation. It's called "Speed Dating."

This new form of dating started with professional people in their 20's and 30's. The idea has caught on with senior citizens too, and rightly so, since we have a heck of a lot less time than those young folks do to get it on with someone. We never know when we might drop dead of a heart attack because of seeing ourselves naked in a full-length mirror. But is speed-dating a good idea for people who are slowing down in all other aspects of their lives? We move slower. We think slower. Shouldn't we date slower too?

Here's what happens at a speed dating event: You sign up, and then you sit down at a table with one person and talk to them for three minutes, or so, to see if he or she appeals to you, or as we used to say in my dating days, rattles your cage. After your minutes are up, you boogie on down to another table ( running full-speed, I suppose, since you're short on time and have things to do, remember?), and talk to another possible datee for a few minutes. You just keep popping up every few minutes when the bell rings, or you're told to switch tables. I guess it's decided ahead of time who will pop up, and who will remain seated. It sure wouldn't do for you both to jump up and run to another table. You might keep meeting the same person all night. I guess you could say, in that case, it means Fate threw you together, if you wanted to make the best of it.

The comments of one 73-year old speed dater, Gerry, cracks me up. He said that, with such a short time available, he gets right to the point and asks, " What medications are you on, and how many times have you been married?"

Of all the nerve! I think I'd have to tell ol' Gerry that I have a question for him too: "How many seconds would it take you to get away from my table? We've only been talking for one minute, but I can tell already that I don't like you. Go!"

I would think you'd have to pose your questions very delicately so you wouldn't come off as too nosy or too materialistic. For example, you'd want to start out asking benign, sappy questions like "What makes you happy?" or "What do you do for fun?" Then with, say, 20 seconds of time left, you could lean back casually and ask the important things on your mind like, "Say, Gerry, how much money do you make?"

Lorraine Schack, coordinator of senior social services in Rockville, Maryland, which held its first senior speed-dating, said, "As we get older, this is an easy way to meet people."

In a way, it is, but, then again, bouncing up from a table every three minutes and hauling it over to another table, asking your best 3 or 4 questions, and then dragging it up again and staggering over to another table, over and over again, sounds exhausting to me. I'd have to make sure I had an Albuterol inhaler tucked inside my purse in case I got too winded to talk. And wouldn't you have to take notes of who said what? So, you'd be bouncing up and down like a pogo stick, scribbling down answers on a legal pad and trying to remember which face the answers went to. That's just too much pressure!

It just seems like such a cold, business-like way to meet someone anyway. I don't see how anybody "clicks" in a situation like that, but, supposedly, speed dating is catching on. Articles are appearing on adult-oriented radio stations and community newspapers. Probably there are speed dating sites on-line too.

I have my own way of deciding if I'd like to get to know a man better. It's quicker than speed dating. I just look at him. Either I like the way he looks, or I don't. Anybody wearing a ball cap is weeded out immediately. Of course, I'm not in the market for a man at this particular time, but, in the past, I didn't need more than a few minutes to know whether I was interested in someone. If I ever do need to go trawling again, Heaven forbid, I would prefer more of a speed dating line-up situation because no matter how much I try to pretend that a man's personality is the most important thing, looks still go a long way with me.

I have a "type." That "type" is a long-legged, slim look. A man doesn't necessarily have to be drop-dead handsome to appeal to me, but there has to be something about his face and physique that is appealing. I don't even know what that something is. Can anybody really explain exactly why a certain person turns them on, or why another person doesn't? Pheromones? Maybe, but all I know is some men, just like a big pile of money, please me immensely with their looks and make my pupils open wide until the irises are completely black as I try to take them all in.

I know very well that there are really wonderful men out there who I would miss out on because I must like the way a possible mate looks. Whether a man is attractive or not doesn't change the fact that I could like him a lot and enjoy him as a friend. It doesn't mean that I couldn't appreciate him and value his intelligence. It just means that looks are part of the total package to me. On the other hand, if a man was the handsomest man in the world, but had a dark, evil soul, I could never love him or even like him. It's not just a man's appearance that turns me on. I'm not that shallow. My "type" would make my eyes light up with his appearance, and my heart sing with his goodness. Just like Don does. He's the perfect package and would be a tough act to follow.

So, no hopping from table to table for me. I'm a busy woman. I don't have all day to sit around asking silly questions. I'd know in 5 seconds if he's the one for me. Line 'em up on a stage, and I'll take a minute to look them all over and then announce, "I want that one!"